The End. The Beginning. The Beginning of the End.

Yesterday, my mom, my dad, myself, and three hired men moved my 4-month-old son and I out of the home I had been sharing with my husband. Strange how quickly that term can feel strange to even see in regards to being my husband. Tomorrow will be just the two year anniversary of our first date and if I could, the current me would go back and slash all four of my tires of my then me's car to keep me from showing up.

But then I wouldn't have him. No matter how much pain F has brought my way, there will always be that knowledge of the greatest blessing also being here because of him.

I refuse to make this about F though.

 This is going to be about me and the beautiful lad I have sleeping near me. We have a hope and a future and I will work harder than ever to make sure he is taken care of and that he can be proud of who his mama is. Strange how when I really think about it, I know all sorts of great single moms. My best friend is one of the best possible. Could it be that they had been placed around me all along for a moment such as this?

Just today he has started making "gull" sounds. He's gone from this watcher of a little boy to now just screaming because he likes his voice. He loves several of his Christmas gifts to no avail (unless he is hungry of course) and it is so much fun seeing him become so much more of a participant in life. I can't imagine choosing to not get to witness these things.

So no, the journey that lays ahead of me is not going to be an easy one. I am fearful of people's judgment towards me, thinking less of me, walking with my head hanging low.

But what would be their reaction towards me if I stayed and they knew what was going on? What would I think of myself if I stayed? I will take some temporary shame over continued loss of respect for myself. My eyes will shine again, I promise you that.

I will give this boy the world, without making him a brat. I will help him to see the world, without him losing his roots. I will teach him to care about the world and hopefully not getting burned too often by it. I will watch football, get muddy, laugh, cry, build, play, and make a darn good life for myself and this little boy.

But for now, I think I'll just sleep while he sleeps.