Welcome back, my dear

This last Friday, our divorce was finally final.  It had been the longest and shortest 6 months of waiting in my life.  4 months of "is this really going to happen" and 2 more of "when will this ever finish happening?"  So along with everything else that was decided that day, I got my original last name back.

Riley

If I say it was the one time throughout the whole court process that I nearly teared up, it would be a lie.  But it was the most significant. 

Being me again.

Not attached to some man's name.  Some string of memories.  Dreams that were shattered.

I haven't been this girl in 7 years.

And that's where she was when I left her.  Just a girl. 

Tonight I realize how many things have happened since I left her. 

2 marriages (damn. Slow down there Elizabeth Taylor.).

One beautiful mess of a little boy. 

The loss of 2 precious grandparents.

And so, so much more.

I feel like I need to sit and tell her about all of the things that have happened since I was last with her.  I left her when she was so innocent.  So vulnerable.  When she believed that broken hearts weren't fixable and love wasn't so messy. 

I hope I can teach her to be wiser.  That she's really a pretty unique and beautiful-in-her-own-right sort of way.  That nights that are taken up with paint on her fingers and a wine glass in her hands are the makings of an exceptional evening. 

And in the moments when our chatter grows quiet, perhaps I will realize that she was there all along.  That she hasn't skipped a moment. Even through all of this mess,  whether the self-created or helpless-onlooker variation, I hope above all else, she can say she's proud of who I am this day. 

Welcome back, my dear.  Stay and sit a while.

Disclaimer:  I am not suffering from schizophrenia. Nor am I having an out of body experience. 

Hands Free Mama- My Biggest Challenge Yet

I hate to admit this, but even when I was pregnant, I worried about whether or not I would struggle with wanting to use my phone/computer/Nook while I should be focusing on Max.  I hate that this could even have been a worry in my mind. 

Now that he is here (and ten months old tomorrow- wow!), I have to admit that this is an area that I am constantly struggling with.  Today felt so overwhelming.  He wouldn't keep still for one second.  And I just wanted to look up some stuff for the coming school year.  I ended up getting frustrated and just having to take myself away from the situation for a few minutes.  Now in retrospect, I know I was frustrated because I was trying to use technology and make that the priority instead of playing trucks, or chasing him as he went crawling towards the dog water. 

A while back, there was a picture on Facebook circulating of a mom with her kids at a playground.  The kids were swinging, and she was doing something on her phone.  The picture got a lot of ridicule for her being so preoccupied.  What a cord it struck with me though.  Kids know when you are there and when you are just pretending to be there. As a teacher, I know that all too well.  And I really want to be there.  I want to be present.  Whether it is Max making a big discovery or just something tiny.  I want him to know that his mama is always going to be there, and her eyes are going to be focused on him, not dazed as I look at some screen. 

I recently started reading "Hands Free Mama: a Guide to putting down the phone, burning the to-do list, and letting go of perfection to grasp what really matters."

It isn't supposed to be read so much as a book all at one time, but moreso as a book with challenges that you can do at your own speed.  The first challenge was to become hands free for a certain time every day.  I chose to do from dinner time to bed time.  How's that working out for you, you say?

....not so good.  For the first little bit, it did.  But then Max was doing something funny, so let me take a picture.  Oh, something important needs to be communicated with so-and-so.  And so it went.  Right. down. the. toilet.

Recently, the yearning for a monthly craft night keeps getting into my mind.  There are some things hindering that.  Such as a home of my own.  And so I keep pinning crafts that I want to do, dreaming of a day when I get to do them.  But am I stopping to actually go buy the materials to make one of these crafts?  No!  And could I? Yes! Absolutely! Along those same lines, I would love for the women in my family to make a wreath for the 4th of July this year.  And I'm scared to bring it up because the excuses of "oh but when would we do it" get in the way.

And so...I want to challenge myself to really stick with this.  To see that I can do craft projects.  That I can have conversations with people that are in front of me, and not just ones that are there via my phone.  I want to see all of the important things that my son is accomplishing.  I don't want to care more about what is going on in other people's lives than what I care about my own life and my son's life. 

So, I will let go of this phone from dinner time until bed time.  I will put it away.  Take it outside.  Whatever I have to do.  Maybe I will fail some nights.  But I will get this. 

He is worth it.  I am worth it!

Click here to check out the Hands Free Mama book!

Happy New Year....a day late!

I had one of the best New Years days in a long time yesterday. It consisted of family and just sitting around snacking and playing games, but it was great.  It was calm.  So much better than New Year's Eve.  I was sad. I was lonely. 

I like mad so much better than sad. 

Not to say that I was mad as I was around family, but earlier yesterday.

Now then, to take in the year 2014, I have some various goals and just things I want to see for myself (and Max) this year!

 

 

 

I think the last couple of years, I was definitely in years of questioning.  It is my hope and prayer that this is indeed a year of answers!  I hope if you need answers this year, you obtain them as well!  Have a happy one!