Welcome back, my dear

This last Friday, our divorce was finally final.  It had been the longest and shortest 6 months of waiting in my life.  4 months of "is this really going to happen" and 2 more of "when will this ever finish happening?"  So along with everything else that was decided that day, I got my original last name back.

Riley

If I say it was the one time throughout the whole court process that I nearly teared up, it would be a lie.  But it was the most significant. 

Being me again.

Not attached to some man's name.  Some string of memories.  Dreams that were shattered.

I haven't been this girl in 7 years.

And that's where she was when I left her.  Just a girl. 

Tonight I realize how many things have happened since I left her. 

2 marriages (damn. Slow down there Elizabeth Taylor.).

One beautiful mess of a little boy. 

The loss of 2 precious grandparents.

And so, so much more.

I feel like I need to sit and tell her about all of the things that have happened since I was last with her.  I left her when she was so innocent.  So vulnerable.  When she believed that broken hearts weren't fixable and love wasn't so messy. 

I hope I can teach her to be wiser.  That she's really a pretty unique and beautiful-in-her-own-right sort of way.  That nights that are taken up with paint on her fingers and a wine glass in her hands are the makings of an exceptional evening. 

And in the moments when our chatter grows quiet, perhaps I will realize that she was there all along.  That she hasn't skipped a moment. Even through all of this mess,  whether the self-created or helpless-onlooker variation, I hope above all else, she can say she's proud of who I am this day. 

Welcome back, my dear.  Stay and sit a while.

Disclaimer:  I am not suffering from schizophrenia. Nor am I having an out of body experience. 

Hands Free Mama- My Biggest Challenge Yet

I hate to admit this, but even when I was pregnant, I worried about whether or not I would struggle with wanting to use my phone/computer/Nook while I should be focusing on Max.  I hate that this could even have been a worry in my mind. 

Now that he is here (and ten months old tomorrow- wow!), I have to admit that this is an area that I am constantly struggling with.  Today felt so overwhelming.  He wouldn't keep still for one second.  And I just wanted to look up some stuff for the coming school year.  I ended up getting frustrated and just having to take myself away from the situation for a few minutes.  Now in retrospect, I know I was frustrated because I was trying to use technology and make that the priority instead of playing trucks, or chasing him as he went crawling towards the dog water. 

A while back, there was a picture on Facebook circulating of a mom with her kids at a playground.  The kids were swinging, and she was doing something on her phone.  The picture got a lot of ridicule for her being so preoccupied.  What a cord it struck with me though.  Kids know when you are there and when you are just pretending to be there. As a teacher, I know that all too well.  And I really want to be there.  I want to be present.  Whether it is Max making a big discovery or just something tiny.  I want him to know that his mama is always going to be there, and her eyes are going to be focused on him, not dazed as I look at some screen. 

I recently started reading "Hands Free Mama: a Guide to putting down the phone, burning the to-do list, and letting go of perfection to grasp what really matters."

It isn't supposed to be read so much as a book all at one time, but moreso as a book with challenges that you can do at your own speed.  The first challenge was to become hands free for a certain time every day.  I chose to do from dinner time to bed time.  How's that working out for you, you say?

....not so good.  For the first little bit, it did.  But then Max was doing something funny, so let me take a picture.  Oh, something important needs to be communicated with so-and-so.  And so it went.  Right. down. the. toilet.

Recently, the yearning for a monthly craft night keeps getting into my mind.  There are some things hindering that.  Such as a home of my own.  And so I keep pinning crafts that I want to do, dreaming of a day when I get to do them.  But am I stopping to actually go buy the materials to make one of these crafts?  No!  And could I? Yes! Absolutely! Along those same lines, I would love for the women in my family to make a wreath for the 4th of July this year.  And I'm scared to bring it up because the excuses of "oh but when would we do it" get in the way.

And so...I want to challenge myself to really stick with this.  To see that I can do craft projects.  That I can have conversations with people that are in front of me, and not just ones that are there via my phone.  I want to see all of the important things that my son is accomplishing.  I don't want to care more about what is going on in other people's lives than what I care about my own life and my son's life. 

So, I will let go of this phone from dinner time until bed time.  I will put it away.  Take it outside.  Whatever I have to do.  Maybe I will fail some nights.  But I will get this. 

He is worth it.  I am worth it!

Click here to check out the Hands Free Mama book!

Happy New Year....a day late!

I had one of the best New Years days in a long time yesterday. It consisted of family and just sitting around snacking and playing games, but it was great.  It was calm.  So much better than New Year's Eve.  I was sad. I was lonely. 

I like mad so much better than sad. 

Not to say that I was mad as I was around family, but earlier yesterday.

Now then, to take in the year 2014, I have some various goals and just things I want to see for myself (and Max) this year!

 

 

 

I think the last couple of years, I was definitely in years of questioning.  It is my hope and prayer that this is indeed a year of answers!  I hope if you need answers this year, you obtain them as well!  Have a happy one!

Introductions

Before I get any further in this, let me introduce myself and my son. 

Starting with the most important in my eyes.

This little jewel is Max. 

 

Max was born in August of 2013. I was 9 months pregnant, giant as a whale, decorating a classroom.  Oh yeah, I'm a teacher by the way! Anyways, I was gigantic and miserable.  And wouldn't you know, my classroom was the furthest distance away possible from the front doors, copy machine, anything worthwhile.  Yet there I was, climbing on top of desks and chairs to get things hung up. 

My blood pressure was elevated each time I had a doctor's visit, and on that special Thursday, my Doctor said "let's go ahead and do it today."  I had a C-section, making Max come into the world about 3 weeks early.  I had never had any sort of operation done, much less had I ever been a patient in the hospital.  Sitting on the operating table, waiting for the shot, and shaking like crazy, scared to death.  Now I look down at that 6 inch scar and can't imagine how in the world that 8 pound 8 ounce baby came through there! 

 

Here are a couple of other pics of him from his "younger" days.

 

At about 2 months old

 

A little less than a month old! How he has changed!

 

 

He's getting fussy, time to eat!  Will introduce myself and all of my complexities (or at least just one) tomorrow!  

 

The End. The Beginning. The Beginning of the End.

Yesterday, my mom, my dad, myself, and three hired men moved my 4-month-old son and I out of the home I had been sharing with my husband. Strange how quickly that term can feel strange to even see in regards to being my husband. Tomorrow will be just the two year anniversary of our first date and if I could, the current me would go back and slash all four of my tires of my then me's car to keep me from showing up.

But then I wouldn't have him. No matter how much pain F has brought my way, there will always be that knowledge of the greatest blessing also being here because of him.

I refuse to make this about F though.

 This is going to be about me and the beautiful lad I have sleeping near me. We have a hope and a future and I will work harder than ever to make sure he is taken care of and that he can be proud of who his mama is. Strange how when I really think about it, I know all sorts of great single moms. My best friend is one of the best possible. Could it be that they had been placed around me all along for a moment such as this?

Just today he has started making "gull" sounds. He's gone from this watcher of a little boy to now just screaming because he likes his voice. He loves several of his Christmas gifts to no avail (unless he is hungry of course) and it is so much fun seeing him become so much more of a participant in life. I can't imagine choosing to not get to witness these things.

So no, the journey that lays ahead of me is not going to be an easy one. I am fearful of people's judgment towards me, thinking less of me, walking with my head hanging low.

But what would be their reaction towards me if I stayed and they knew what was going on? What would I think of myself if I stayed? I will take some temporary shame over continued loss of respect for myself. My eyes will shine again, I promise you that.

I will give this boy the world, without making him a brat. I will help him to see the world, without him losing his roots. I will teach him to care about the world and hopefully not getting burned too often by it. I will watch football, get muddy, laugh, cry, build, play, and make a darn good life for myself and this little boy.

But for now, I think I'll just sleep while he sleeps.